The good, the bad, and the super pretty

Dang, girl!

2011-11-12T02:00:00.004-05:00

It sure has been a long time. 9 months to be exact. Here is the latest. Alivia and Callie have graced the world with their beautiful lives. One day I will blog about how I got witness the very first moments of their lives.

What would the world even be without them!?

Off topic... Anthony is in-cred-i-ble. I think back to my life at his age and I was a disaster in every sense of the word. I look at who Anthony is and I know he is created for greatness. His character is astounding, his passion to help others through the struggle he has faced makes my heart melt. At the same time, I see me in him! For good or bad, the child is MINE. Everything I ever wanted to be, but was too afraid to do, Anthony has attacked and defeated! This year he turned 13. 13?! He has become this young man that longs to see people healed. I refrain from writing this ALL the time, because I find shame in it. Because I am afraid that Anthony will find his identity in it. But I had a baby in high school. Over the years, I grew up and somehow raised an incredible kid. He has unfortunately faced every statistic you could think of. But Anthony is not a settler. He is not ok with mediocrity. OK is not good enough. He faced his issues head on and has decided that he will change them. A direct quote from him: "You are never too young to change something." So, Anthony has decided that he does not accept the life he has been handed. That would be too easy. He is facing life head on and challenging it. As his mom, I am so proud of him. As a person that just looks at him objectively (if that is possible) I can say that he is a world changer.

If you would have asked me 10 years ago how things were, I would have told you that we were surviving - and I would have meant it. I was trying to pay the bills and make Anthony smile every now and then. Today... I can lay my head down and know that aside from my bills being paid, Anthony has found his destiny. I've never seen a passion quite like it. He wants to tell the world of his struggle and how God walked him through it - no matter how painful it may have been. Listen to some of his journey here. He has chosen to tell his story in the hopes that other wont hide their hut anymore.

Really? I get to be his mom? Thank you, Lord. For everything he is and for everything he will be. When you become a mother, your life is lived for someone else. Thank you, Jesus for making my life a life worth living.

Maybe you do learn a few things along the way

2011-02-06T22:25:00.001-05:00

I may not be the greatest writer, but it is such an escape for me. There are days I cannot stand being in my own skin. On those days, I write in my private blog and I feel normal again. I write my unexplainable feelings, my horrid thoughts, my unstoppable emotions, my disappointments, my fears, and my battles... and I walk away. I leave them there and they become a part of my past. I have given away these things that weigh on me without ever having to rely on someone to take them for me. I write them down and each word is a piece of my brokenness that I choose to let go when I decide I am ready. I truly used to believe that I was the only person that felt this way. I have since learned that these days get the best of most of us.

2 years ago I posted a blog titled "Praying... show me the purpose of it all". When I wrote it, I wanted some sort of miracle answer. I wanted every doubt that was consuming me to be left behind. I felt like I had missed the biggest key to life, and I didn't even know I missed it. At that point in my life, I had never felt so uncertain about tomorrow, so unsafe in my everyday life, and so burdened with fear that everything in my life could be taken in a second.. It ate away at me every day, all day and every night, all night. This next portion sums up my very long, questioning blog:

"If our every moment is know beforehand, which I believe, and we are to pray against the evils of this world and believe that our prayers impact the decision that God has already made… then how do we trust that God has made a right decision if we are petitioning him to change it? And if we are in fact making that petition, is it self-righteous of us to assume that God needs our prayers to change what he could not?"

I wanted to understand where and why our prayers had the impact that they were supposed to. I will get back to this in a minute.

I read a post in my private blog from 6 months after the plane crash... I remembered exactly how I felt at the moment I wrote it. I don't feel that despondent today, but I don't know that I would have realized it without looking back at my blog to see how far I have come. Here is the post:

When I woke this morning, I stumbled into despair
I reached for you desperately, but you weren’t there
There is no air in here, I can’t catch my breath
I am running so fast, and I can’t feel my chest
So I run further this time, what if you don’t catch me?
I am trying not to turn around, tortured by what I see
Shadows hover over me, I don’t see the light
I can’t even see anymore, how can I fight?

If I stop now I won’t have a chance
So I run, I fake, I laugh, I dance
I do anything where I don’t have to think
The further I go, the deeper I sink
My legs are tired, so is my heart
I have to get somewhere fast with a new start
I’ve come so far and I am so far behind
The things I cannot see, float through my mind

When I woke this morning, I stumbled into despair
I reached for you desperately, but you weren’t there
There is no air in here, I can’t catch my breath
I am running so fast, and I can’t feel my chest
So I run further this time, what if you don’t catch me?
I am trying not to turn around, tortured by what I see
Shadows hover over me, I don’t see the light
I can’t even see anymore, how can I fight?

I can’t see you anymore, even when I close my eyes
You are not supposed to abandon me, I won’t survive
I'll have no hope, no purpose, I’ll have no way
Why have you left me, when you promised to stay

When I woke this morning, I stumbled into despair
I reached for you desperately, but you weren’t there
There is no air in here, I can’t catch my breath
I am running so fast, and I can’t feel my chest
So I run further this time, what if you don’t catch me?
I am trying not to turn around, tortured by what I see
Shadows hover over me, I don’t see the light
I can’t even see anymore, how can I fight?

There is this storm that rages, deep in my soul
The battle belongs in a book, then at least it would be told
But for now it remains inside, blocking parts of you
I’d give them to you, but I need them to hold on to

When I woke this morning, I stumbled into despair
I reached for you desperately, but you weren’t there
So I ran. Further this time. So far, I am afraid you won’t catch me

Here I am, 2 years later and I have the answer that I have searched for and really had all along. C.S. Lewis sums up my quest in a few simple sentences:

I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time - waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me.

It makes so much more sense to surrender to the idea that I am the one that will change. THE END

WARNING annoying, predictable complaining to follow...

2010-10-03T12:25:00.002-04:00

Lately, I have this overwhelming feeling of discontentment. I am very happy with my current relationships in life, and that is about it. I am beyond miserable at my job, I cant stand my drunk-all-the-time-lets-have-loud-parties-every-night-because-my-mom-buys-us-liquor-teenage neighbors , and I can't help but be depressed about the fact that I do not know life without struggling for every penny I have. I have been blessed beyond belief in my life, and if I sat down and did a comparison with the majority of the world, I would come out on top - every time. At times, I take that bet and I feel better. Other times, I'm not comforted. I am so tired of struggling. It physically drains me. I hate my job and yet I know I have no other choice right now. I'm exhausted. I want to give Anthony everything he needs, and everything he wants. The truth is, I feel like the biggest failure when it comes down to it. When Anthony asks for *insert item here*, and it isn't even anything extravagant, I cannot even explain the shame and the devastation that grips my heart when response has to be "we can't afford that". I don't think Anthony should get everything he asks for, but if he wants to go ride go-carts with his friends, I shouldn't have to decide between that and dinner. I have a college fund for Anthony so that he can afford to get a great education, in the hopes that he will not have this struggle when he has a family.

I want to physically assault people when they tell me that "I should start dating so that I will have help". Listen, if the reason that I start dating is because I want more income, there is a SERIOUS problem. I think if people lived a day or a week in my shoes, they would understand that not only will dating not "fix" things, it will add a whole new set of difficulties that I do not feel that Anthony is ready to deal with. I have a whole lot of "friends" that like to get on their soap box and tell me what I should be doing, or why they feel that my life is where it is at. I'd still rather be in this current place than anywhere near the top of your soap box. I still know that no matter how I feel right now, Every single day I wake up and do everything I can possibly can to make Anthony's life the best it can possibly be. I may fall short a whole lot, but it doesn't make my efforts any less.

I chose to be thankful for everything in my life. Every now and then, life consumes me; I am human. At the end of the day, I struggle. I probably will for quite some time. But what I choose to fight for, makes me a very lucky person. One day, I WILL see the outcome of my struggles and this moment will all be worth it. Until then, I am done complaining. I think I will go spend some time with my family. That is the cheapest thing you can do, and it has the most worth :)

"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."

Trying to update regularly? Epic fail.

2010-08-17T21:20:00.000-04:00

There are just some days that I stop and acknowledge how fortunate I am in this life. I love my kid - more than life, I love my family, and I love my friends. Everything else seems to be background noise these days. I realize how fortunate I am to have the very things I need in life. My family members are my friends, my friends are my family. I don't wonder if they will be in my life forever; I know that they will be. I have this incredible family and we consider each other in every life decision we make and love like we were born knowing how too. I have these friends that I live life with as though I have never lived life without them. I have this kid . . . this incredible, amazing, hilarious, sweet kid that makes my world go round. These relationships are easy, and effortless, and comfortable - yet I will still put hard work, all of my effort, and move out of my comfort zone to maintain them. I thank God everyday for them.

A happy family is but an earlier heaven.

I'm getting better at this?

2010-03-15T10:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, maaaayyybe I am getting a little bit better at keeping up with my blog. Maybe not. But when I sit down and actually have time to blog, I have too much to write about and eventually say, I'll do it later. It's later - and I have too much to blog about. Oh well, I will try. But I assure you, I am not editing this - so deal with my grammatical errors accordingly.

I keep trying to avoid the topic of the anniversary of flight 3407. Like if no one talks about it, it didn't happen. I know better than that, but still - avoidance is my favorite game. The walk was simply amazing. It truly felt like we were doing something, like we were not going to take a back seat and just hope Washington would understand that these aviation laws needed to be changed. The grace that people and local business bestowed that day will forever be in my mind. It has restored my hope that good people really do exist. That people were genuinely thrilled to help and be a part of a day that brought healing to so many family members and friends. I remember sitting at the table as people were registering and looking around as John Kausner was giving one of his incredible speeches/pep talks, and all I could think was - man - if they could only see this!! If Elly could see this, she would be amazed! She would friggen LOVE this fuss about her! After thinking about that for a minute, I realized that she could see this. She could see it all. The day before the walk was the hardest one I faced throughout the events to commemorate this day. I felt useless, and my thoughts were racing. I wanted to know her every move that day, what time she finished packing, what she ate, what she thought of while she was waiting at the airport, what she talked to the passenger next to her about. The week leading up to the date I was with Laura most of the week, and we were doing constructive things that kept my mind off of what we were doing them for. I loved being there for my friend when she needed me, I loved being her shoulder and her "personal assistant" when her mind was on auto pilot. Then Thursday came and I fell apart. I left work and went straight to Laura's and we found something constructive to do. In a way, I felt like I could get her through this terrible week, and in a way, I felt like I did. I've stopped trying to understand how Laura feels, because I never, ever can. And I feel like constantly trying to put a value to how someone is feeling devalues their actual feelings. Seeing my friend go through this and feeling so incredibly helpless has been one of the hardest things about this. I just wanted to figure out what I can do to fix this and for a short time, I believed I would find something that would. The reality that I cant soon followed. But I have watched my AMAZING, strong, beautiful friend rise above this disaster and make a real difference in peoples lives. The memorial service for Elly was beautiful. The service was surreal. Watching Autumn play as she did at Elly's funeral, watching Chris and Laura sing, watching John speak, Watching my brother play... it was all surreal. And then... Autumn sang He loves us... just as she did at the funeral. That moment, that song, those emotions are unexplainable through words. I remember sitting there willing myself not to cry, to be strong so that I could help pick up my friend. I tried to distract myself but all of my efforts were squashed in about 30 seconds. I was broken beyond words and at the same time, the song was bringing a healing that I couldn't believe even existed. Everything seemed like a movie for the next ten minutes. It was in slow motion and my remembrance of the actual moments is foggy. There are specific things I remember. I remember Autumn boldly at the piano, I remember watching Laura fold into her self the second the song started. I remember watching Marilyn's shoulders sink. I remember not allowing myself to look at John. I remember thinking what the Mauer's were thinking as they were suffering their own loss. I remember wondering if my brother could hold it together through the song. I remember the summers that we all spent at the Kausners so carefree and feeling betrayed by those moments. I remember watching Elly get ready for dances, and trying to catch her doing something bad. I remembered her facing the horrid fact that she WAS going to Honduras,ah haha! But what I remember the most, what I replay in my head over and over again is the image of Elly in every person there. So much of her was there that night, specifically in that moment. So much of her will dance through people forever.

Laura... what an incredible person she is. She is not perfect, though she would debate that statement until she won - or you just got tired of debating it. I know that I would not make it through this. I know my strength doesn't compare to hers. I know I would have become angry with life. I know I would have given up. I know that if I were her, and I showed up at her house crying and needing comfort - I would have beat me up. :) Laura has not gotten through this, and I hate when people say that. She is going through this, and will for the rest of her life. But she is doing it beautifully. She is changing lives on the way and she isnt going to stop anytime soon. I am so proud, and so lucky to call her my friend. So here is where I get to tell the world some fantastic news. In the midst of this tradgedy, it seems very difficult to enjoy life... but not when there is a new life growing inside my pretty friend!!! That issss right! Laura Elizabeth Kausner Voigt is with child!!! I am not allowed to say when I found out 'cause of the haters, but lets just say it is a secret I wanted to scream from the rooftops!! But the secret is out. I cannot wait to meet the next Voigt baby and to see my friend celebrate life the way she was always intended to.

That is all for now, little ones. Continue about your day.

Mama Mia

2010-01-10T17:33:00.002-05:00

Joycie is 55 today!! My goodness what an old bird. Just jokes, ma. When my daddy turned 55, he got his very own blog post, entitling my mom to her very own blog post. I am struggling with this blog because it seems impossible to articulate someones worth and the gratitude you feel for having them in your life in a simple blog. My mother is my biggest fan. She thinks I am the funniest person ever. She thinks I am the prettiest. She thinks I am so hard working. She thinks I deserve better than I dream. While all of those are so very, very true (she does not think I am humble) it is a mere example of how she lives her life to better her children. She is completely and utterly selfless. Anything we need, anything we want - if it is within her power to give to give it to us, she does. She has taught me how to love my son more than myself. That is not something I take for granted. There are few things I can say I have mastered and one of them is putting my son's needs ahead of my own, every time. I learned that from my mom. My mom was always present - even when I was a teenager and wanted her to go away :) She has prayed for me every single day of my life. She has taught me a faith in Jesus Christ that will sustain me for all of my days. She has helped me understand who God truly is and why it is ok to be who I am. She has taught me that no matter where I have been or where I will go, He is with me every step of the way. I feel so fortunate to have been able to grow up in home that gave me and my siblings that foundation. When I was a kid, just a 17 year old baby myself, and found out I was pregnant, she wasnt mad at me, or even disappointed in me. She was in it with me. and she still is every day. At 17 you think you know everything, but even then I knew I would need her. I would need her to show me how to change my baby, and how to feed him, how to soothe him. She was and is by my side every step of the way. She has taught me how fortunate I am to have my gigantic, crazy family - in good times and more importantly, in bad. She loves my father more everyday, despite his many, many, many flaws :) Their relationship is a true example of true love. My mother is the most selfless, compassionate, dedicated woman I have ever known and I get to call her mom. She has shaped me into the person I am today with her tears, advice, prayers, and an occasional slap upside the head. Thank you mom, for being you and for showing me who I am.

Happy Birthday Mama, I love you so much!!!

Year in review

2010-01-02T01:04:00.000-05:00

I am doing really well with blog updating... every 6 months. Oh well. I'm over it already you should be too. I feel like there is so much to write about and not enough words to do so. So, I will recap.

These are in no particular order...

Making their debut:

Riley Susan - my lil ray of sunshine

Aurora Marie - who lives way too far away

Jax Robert - who I swear is an exact replica of Jace

Making a perfect union...

Alison and Brian: These are 2 of my very favorite people in the entire world. Every part of there wedding was amazing!!! The shower, the bachelorette, the rehearsal, the wedding. Everything was the best and everything they deserved.

Giving me hives since I first heard it was coming...

My 10-year reunion: The 3-day festivities were a bit much for this beauty school drop-out, so I opted for the VFW on the 4th of July. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and saw people that I never thought I would again. All in all - 10 years is a very long time and I am happy that I am not who I was.

Movin' on up...

To the East Park! We are now officially in our new home! It seems like it has taken forever. Patience is a very difficult thing to learn, and grace is not earned. Man, have I been given a world of grace.

Graduations...

Anthony graduated the 5th grade. He is officially the most perfect middle schooler ever. He is so well behaved and an excellent student. :)

Devastation is inevitable - but this year was more than any of us could have imagined.

Maddison Brooke: You are loved as though you lived 100 years on this earth, in this family - this crazy, beautiful family. You must be the prettiest angel in heaven. How we wish so badly to have been given the chance to watch you grow. You'll be safe forever, you will only know love. You will never hurt, you will never know heartache. You are perfect. You are home - I just wish our home was one in the same.

Elly: Flight 3407 came down a mile from your home taking 51 lives. Your friends and family will never be the same. This world without you in it seems cruel. Lives are changed forever. It still - in some way - feels like one day, this will be over. One day, you will come tell everyone of this journey and all of this terrible pain will subside. Unfortunately, the reality of that is that "one day" is different for everyone. There are no words of comfort, no way to fix this. There is an awful absence that cannot be filled by anyone or anything. I will never understand this, I still haven't accepted this, I can't wrap my head around this.You are so dearly missed. Your life, love, laughter, and loyalty will be remembered for ever. Everyone has the opportunity to see a glimpse of Elly's life and how to continue her journey.

www.ellysangels.org

Blogbreak/My little middle schooler

2009-06-15T21:52:00.008-04:00

Apparently, I took a blog break. There is so much to blog about and not enough patience to actually blog about it :) So- the most recent events of my life... Anthony has officially graduated the 5th grade. I cannot even take it!!! Where did my little baby go!? What happened to my little boy that couldn't wait to hold my hand and loved to sing our special songs together? I am not ready for this change. Middle school?? School dances? I think I am going to lock him in the house for the next 10 years. I dont even let girls talk to my little brother... and he is 25.

I wanted to make a huge deal out of Anth's graduation so that he always remembers stuff like that and looks forward to accomplishing things. So even though his bday isn't until August, I decided to throw a luau for his Bday/Graduation. It was equipped with grass skirts, coconut cups, class of 2009 bracelets, pie eating contests and the limbo. It RAINED the entire day but it didn't matter - they didn't even notice. They partied until 9:30 pm whether it was sprinkling or a downpour. Here are some pics from his graduation ceremony and his party.

Spring time

2009-04-19T23:42:00.000-04:00

I was going to try and blog about something positive but I cant seem to bring myself to do it. My heart is still so broken. I still can't believe the tragedy that took place 2 months ago. When I talk to Laura I wish I could just say something, anything to fix this all. But I can't. I don't know that I have been in a situation that I couldn't "talk" my way out of. And I am at such a loss for words. Elly... It still feels like one day we are all going to wake up and tell her what a spectacle she has made. Like this is some sort of trick. A cruel one at that. I just hate it. I hate watching one of my best friends die a little more each day.

praying... show me the purpose of it all

2009-02-23T15:35:00.002-05:00

Ooh this is a long one. Did you ever notice that when you aren’t sleeping well, you seem to dislike yourself more and more? Let’s just say that I haven’t been sleeping well and my whole “accept who you are” campaign is in the dust right now. Due to recent events, I have looked myself in the mirror, challenged the finality of death, and accepted the reality that Christ knows how it all works together, better than I ever could. It has been an exhausting week. Here is my number one question in this all… when I ask this question – I am not looking for someone to answer it. This answer has to be searched thoroughly by me and for me and ultimately for my own peace of mind, because currently, that does not exist. I am not challenging God in anyway – but seeking to understand who He is and how we all fit in to this very fragile thing called life. There are a couple of components to this. It is by no means, black and white.

If God knows our life, our death, our comings and our goings and only He can explain why our lives take the roads that they do… why do we pray for specifics? Please let me divulge a little more into the ramblings of my crazy mind. First and foremost, I 100% trust that God is still on the throne, he remains the air I breathe, but I decided a long time ago that I would never do something or believe something because someone told me so. All throughout our lives we are taught to pray for things. Your family, your finances, your addictions, your faith. All of it - we take to the cross and we cry out to God in prayer because it is what we hold in our hearts. Let’s use an all too familiar example. A woman has been blessed with a child that she prays for everyday. Prays for their safety, for their relationships, for their happiness, for their success – basically for anything that their life is involved in. Then suddenly that child dies. Can we assume that Christ had always planned to take that child from this world at that moment and that mother’s prayers were never considered? Because then, if they were considered, would God have to have change his mind? This has been my struggle for quite some time as a Christian. I am not doubting who God is or in his power or any of that. I simply seek to understand WHY we are called to pray if our life and death are written out prior to us even being created. I pray a lot. I always have, even when I wasn’t walking with God, I prayed. My prayers are more like little conversations with God all day long. So here is one part of a conclusion that I have worked on as far as prayers… We have really close friends or family that we trust our everything with. We go to them and tell them our hurts, our fears, our triumphs, our joys – knowing all the while they cannot give them or take them away. We simply become satisfied in sharing them with that person because they are a part of you and they go through them with you. I have never gone to someone and poured my heart out with the expectation that they will “fix” the situation. You share your hurts with people so you can lean on them, and they help you stand when you need it. That is one part of prayer that I get. I need to go to God in the hard times so that he can help me stand – because there are times that the only thing I wanted to do was lay down and die. I needed Him to help me stand – that is where my relationship with God becomes real and becomes so necessary. Of course I need him in the good times – but when I am down for the count – He is the only one that can pick me up. So that said – I truly understand how to pray for comfort and for peace.

As a mother my heart bleeds for Anthony. Being his mom is the single most amazing thing I have ever known. I pray for Anthony’s safety, I pray for grace, I pray for wisdom, I pray for individuality, I pray for compassion, I pray for his relationship God, I pray that he doesn’t dabble in the evil of this world, I even pray for the woman he will one day marry. It is ingrained in me as a Christian and as a mother that I pray for all of these things. I know that my mother has prayed the same for my siblings and I. So when does prayer become reality, opposed to wishes? I know that my mother is so proud of me and she always tells me that. I thank God for her because I was taught my entire life how important being a praying mother is. It is something that I learned as a result of her doing it for us and although I may not understand it right now – I know it serves its purpose. I pray now, because I saw my mother do it. I still see her with her bible and praying daily. I have physically seen my mother cry out to God for our safety, and our happiness. I have been through some rough things in my life. She always prayed that I would not dabble in the evil of this world. I was the wild child out the 3 of us for sure. So why, despite my mother’s prayers and even my own, was I not spared the grief and torment I have endured? As a young child and now as an adult. I am not playing the martyr and my pain has been no more significant than anyone else’s, I am just trying to comprehend why her prayers were irrelevant. I understand that I make my own decisions, but as a child – you rely on your parents and ultimately their prayers. Anthony is just coming into his own relationship with God. But it is my job as a mother to pray for him. When he gets older, it will be his responsibility too. He will make decisions and some of them will be bad. Decisions that may affect his path in life. So, I will pray for him forever, even when he can pray for himself. My faith is not shaken in any way by the events of this past week. I know there is evil in this world and I know that we see it whether we are Christians or not. But where and how does prayer affect it?

Elly…

I am going to take a break and talk about Elly for a little bit here. For anyone that ever knew Elly – knows that she was a wild child. She feared nothing and no one and she in fact – stared fear in the face and I believe she won. Elly was incredible. There is a story that not very many people know about Elly. Without detailing the whole story, I went to a game that Elly was cheerleading at and I took her out after to have a girl talk. One thing Elly said that will stick with me forever was that she was never going to pretend to be something she wasn’t. She then added, “including pretending be a better Christian than I am”. That is as real as it gets, in my opinion. Elly loved God, there is no doubt about that. But she was never going to put a show on for you or anyone in that regard. She never pretended to be something that she was not. I envy her for that. She made you laugh, and even though she was younger, it never felt that way. I loved Elly. Last year for my bday Elly came out to celebrate for a while. Well, I chose to drink and I picked a fight with her. Her and about 5 other people. A stupid fight. Something that I will regret forever. My last words to Elly in person weren’t kind. That is what Elly and I did. We bickered – about dumb things. This time was different because I chose to drink. I chose that, no one else – just me. This year as my birthday just passed, the only thing I wanted to do was relive last year. Not because I want to be younger or I hadn’t lived enough in the past year or any of those usual reasons. I would go back and tell Elly that I loved her, that I was proud of her, that she was someone that made other people want to do better. She was so good to Anthony. He loved her and she adored him. But I can’t go back. I said I was sorry for it all, but never again will I get to see her in person. That is something that I will wrestle with for a very, very long time. I never thought, in a million years that Elly wouldn’t be here for me to pick on. But when that plane hit on Thursday night, reality also came down harder than anyone wanted to know. I find myself thinking that it took her death to see how much she lived.

I know her family very well and her parents are fantastic. I used to attend Chris Kaunser’s (Elly’s brother) church and Marilyn (Elly’s mother) spoke one day on a mothers heart. I don’t remember everything she said, but at the end she had us write a note to our children. I still have it and I will give it to Anthony one day. The letter was to be our prayer for our kids. We actually wrote out specific things we pray for. It was then that I actually realized how badly I need to pray for Anthony. That it was my duty as a mother. Aside from my own mother, Marilyn Kausner taught me what a mothers heart was. That was 4 years ago. Last week, I watched Marilyn lay her daughter to rest. This is where my heart and my head conflict. I know that I know that I know, that God knew that plane was going to come down a half mile from their house, and he knew that Elly would be on board. I don’t understand why. Laura – Elly’s sister - is one of my very best friends in the world and I have grown up with her. I have spent some of the greatest times of my life with her, I have gotten through some of my darkest hours with her. My heart obviously breaks for her, but my heart is in turmoil for Marilyn. She prayed for her daughter, everyday. She taught others how and why to pray for their kids. So my question to God is, why didn’t you hear Marilyn? Why did Marilyn’s prayers go unanswered? If this was Elly’s plan for her life and death, why would you have us pray for something different? If in Marilyn’s prayer time, she prayed for Elly’s safety, which I know this woman and I know she did, why then, didn’t God say - she earnestly prayed - and in turn spare Elly’s life? It goes beyond this prayer and this person. I am trying to articulate where my confusion lies. If our every moment is know beforehand, which I believe, and we are to pray against the evils of this world and believe that our prayers impact the decision that God has already made… then how do we trust that God has made a right decision if we are petitioning him to change it. And if we are in fact making that petition, is it self-righteous of us to assume that God needs our prayers to change what he could not. These are things we don’t even talk about because it is questioning God. I agree to disagree. I think God wants us to question him. He didn’t create us to be robots void of comprehension. He created us to bare his heart and we cannot do that without some kind of understanding of who He is and why we should pray to him.

I am no cookie cutter Christian – most people know that. I am not religious, I don’t have some unrealistic view of the world we live in simply because I am a Christian. I have a real relationship, with a real God, that allows real life to consume us at times. All I am trying to do is be someone I can live with. I can’t live with a lie and not knowing the truth is just as good as a lie. I am interested in other peoples takes on prayer. I don’t want a scripture verse – I have a bible. I don’t want the Christian response that we do not understand His ways – I already know that. Everyone interprets God differently, I believe you can learn a lot from other peoples interpretations. So please, interpret away…

Every Day is a good Day

2009-01-28T17:46:00.007-05:00

My friendship with Carrie, ahhhhh… It was written on the stars… I’m kidding! But I do have to say that Carrie Michelle Day has been one my best friends since the day I came home from the hospital with Anthony. That is the day I met her. How? you ask, well let me tell you. If I was going to marry Carrie - these memories would be included in my vows :) I heard of Carrie, even saw pictures here and there in the 2 years prior to having Anthony. She was my boyfriends brothers girlfriend. (PLEASE NOTE: due to situations out of my control, at that time, Carrie and I were purposely kept from meeting one another until that point.) Well she brought her 1 yr old over to meet her new cousin. That beautiful little one year old was Brianna Rose Alessandra, and to this very day she melts my heart every time I see her. Carrie and I became instant friends and we would soon find out that we had more in common than we originally thought. Over the years, Carrie made family parties and fights with said boyfriend bearable and somewhat amusing. At one point we decided to even lived together. We were so young and irresponsible, I can’t believe we even survived! As you all already know, the relationship with said boyfriends did not work out – not for me and not for Carrie. Soooo, Carrie and I were almost sisters back in the day, but with a twist of fate and what I like to call the hand of the Lord intervening in our lives – we did not marry those wonderful, wonderful boys. We remained friends through plenty of other boyfriends after that. Brianna still remained MY niece and Anthony remained CARRIE’S nephew. One day many years after, Carrie met the boy that she would marry. They had a daughter named Victoria Jeannette Day. If you would like to be entertained, please spend 10 minutes with Tori. She is hysterical and fearless. PS, if you have something in your teeth or your hair is looking a little greasy, Tori will let you know all about it. She, just like Brianna, is my niece and there isn’t a person in this world that can tell me different. When Carrie married Christopher Day, I was honored to be one of Carrie’s bridesmaids. It was at her wedding that I admitted to having a crush on Carries brother. I started dating her brother and once again, Carrie and I became VERY close to being sisters. But that was a no go too :) In fact, I have exhausted all efforts of officially being Carries sister by marriage. It just is not going to happen. Which leads us to present day. Since my last post, Riley Susan Day has made her entrance into the world. She is just as much my niece as Brianna and Victoria. It makes me tear up thinking about all Carrie and I have been through. There are some people in your life that change you simply by being who they are. Carrie is one of those people. I have grown up with, learned to be a mother with, cried with, laughed until I peed with, danced until the wee hours of the morning with one, Carrie Michelle Sloan Day. We sure have come a long way from the Seneca, Center Stage and those boys that broke our hearts, my friend. There is still no one I would rather share a dance floor with (‘cept maybe Ali, she sure can shake it).So to make Carrie remember how awesome we were, here are a few memories for you to ponder and enjoy. I love you, Car. Thanks for giving me yet another beautiful niece to love forever.

Remember when…

Our diet consisted of Doritos and dip and instant mashed potatoes
You were a bad friend and told me I did not need to wear a bra with that shirt (please see below pic)
We thought it was SUPER cool to wear matching sneakers with our kids (truth be told, if Anthony would let me, I’d still do it)
We used hot rollers every day
We used to think nothing of packing the kids in the car and having sleepovers, even if it was a Tuesday at 9pm
You used to spell my name Ormsbee
We went to Toronto and lied to the above boyfriends only to get caught before we even got home. YOU LIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEDDDDDD
We used to get the kids pictures every 2 weeks
You didn’t have your license
We wore a fanny pack purse
Our Y2K experience was less than exciting

Here are some pictures of us through the years. (more pictures than you should EVER post on a blog)

Finally... Riley Susan Day!

525,600 minutes

2008-12-29T11:18:00.003-05:00

Let's reflect on this past year, shall we? What a year, for a lot of people. My family alone has drastically changed. Every year I try to look back at what I have accomplished and try to determine if it was enough. Some years I am satisfied and others I am so disappointed. This year as I reflect on what has taken place, I realize that is has absolutely nothing to do with what I have accomplished, or even what I have gained. This year I can truly and unmistakingly say that I am whole. Somewhere along the line I stopped trying to become someone or something and I stopped making excuses for my shortcomings, for my circumstances and I accepted exactly where my life is and was. For a very long time, every moment of my life was to prove something, I wanted so badly to prove to people that I wasn’t a failure. That despite some things I have done wrong, I could still be deemed a success. And if I could be a success, then in turn Anthony would be a greater success. I don’t know if it happened gradually, or if I woke up one day and noticed a change, but I am different. I have always known the Christ created me for a purpose, I just never imagined it was to be ME. Just writing that astounds me. The thought of being, not only content, but happy with who I am is foreign to me. Please don’t get me wrong – I am not in denial and I do not think I am perfect. But my flaws and shortcomings and circumstances no longer define who I am.

There was truly a time that I didn’t think I could stand anymore, that I couldn’t take another day. My circumstances had closed in on me and I was defeated. After some very deep soul searching coupled with genuinely amazing people in my life, I came to the conclusion that I was not created for defeat. Ha! I picture myself standing on a hill and shouting it and it echoing. At first you say it so only you can hear it, but eventually it echoes.

I had Anthony when I was 18 years old – 10 years ago I never imagined having some of the same struggles. But also never imagined – EVER – the amount of joy a single person can bring you. Being Anthony’s mom has been the single most rewarding thing in my entire existence. I don’t deserve that, but I have it. I have an AMAZING little boy, that changes my world every time he laughs.

So, here is to 2009 – may you be YOU.

My daddy

2008-12-06T09:21:00.005-05:00

I am a very fortunate girl to have grown up with the father I have. I am truly convinced that he is the greatest man alive. He has shown me throughout my life how I should be treated - like a princess. There were definitely times growing up, that I was unlovable - but never to my daddy. Not only has he been wonderful to me and my siblings, but the role he has taken in Anthony's life has been both crucial and greatly appreciated. In the past month he has turned 55 and retired from work. He worked so hard all of his life to give his family everything they ever wanted and needed. Now he has time to relax. I don't think my words could truly explain how lucky I feel to have grown up with my amazing daddy! I always joke with people how lucky they are to be in Paul Ormsby's good graces, but the truth is he loves everyone - it's just hard to tell if he likes you :) He doesn't smile in pictures, but he has every moment of my life on film. He yells at you about money, and will give the shirt off his back. He has the best sense of humor, but only laughs at his own jokes. He has the healthiest eating habits, but they would never be found in any health book. He loves his family more than himself, but is not afraid to show you his wrath. I can keep going, but I will end with this little note about Paul Ormsby. He is the greatest daddy, poppy, and husband ever in the world. I have yet to find me a man that compares to him, and I don't think it will be an easy feat! Please see the obnoxious amount of pictures I posted below :)

just snow already!

2008-11-11T19:39:00.003-05:00

I love snow. I know most people hate it, but not I! I just want to see the pretty snow. I want to go ice skating and sledding. I want to build a snowman. JUST SNOW!

I had a fantastic weekend. Friday me and my bestie went to go check out a wedding venue for her. *In my previous life, I was definitely a wedding planner* We went to this great place right on the water and it seemed absolutely perfect... until they wanted an arm, a leg and Andrea's first born as a payment. We will see where that goes! We have plenty of time to plan.

The next morning Anthony and I headed off to Rochester. I haven't made it out there since Heather and Tony's wedding... in May. It was long overdue. I got there pretty early and made Heather play countless games. She is my the one friend that I can convince to play games with me for hours and hours. We are like old ladies! Tony made a Kelly-safe chili and it was in the back of my mind all day, calling my name, taunting me... and it was worth the wait. I may never be able to handle spice, but as long as I have friends that will adjust their menus for me, I'll be just fine :)

Heather, Becca, Tony and I spent the entire night playing games and laughing. I feel like everyone needs a night like that every now and then. We watched a movie, Heathers pick of course, I would never pick out a movie like that... ever. It was more like a soft porn than a comedy. The next day Heather and I parted ways :( and I went to The Fathers House for church. After church Becca and I went to lunch and caught up on our lives. I always get so sad to leave the ROC, but I will be back soon enough.

Until then...

Saudi Arabia is NOT in Africa
Becca is NOT Oprah Winfrey
FUBU is NOT an acceptable children's clothing line
The easiest way to aggravate Heather is to hit her girl parts
To get Becca away from her fan club... tell everyone it is Rachel and say "Harmony needs you"
You can cry wolf and badger
Mancala is for ALL ages
Dark Chocolate cookie dough bites can be considered dieting

Halloween Fun

2008-11-01T08:49:00.004-04:00

Just some pics. Enjoy :)

Just a little update

2008-10-25T09:09:00.004-04:00

Papa just successfully came out of surgery, while very sore, overall he is doing extremely well! Thank God! They went on my cell phone plan due to a small incident last week that proved how badly they need them. I went to bring them over and show them how to use them. Well they are now equipped with ringback tones, Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline ringers. What pimps they are.

Last Sunday a bunch of us went to the Bills/Chargers game. When I left the house it was 29 degrees so naturally I wore 2 thermal shirts and a sweatshirt. well by kick off it was 80 degrees!!!

The next game I have tix to is New England... it will be below zero... and awesome. GO PATS!!

Now for Anthony's haircut. His head looks so little!!

Anthony making bread with Poppy. (and showing off his new do)

Anthony raked all those leaves for the pumpkin bag

Anthony and Bailey playing in the leaves

Ooh Pumpkins

2008-10-18T08:16:00.004-04:00

This is my favorite time of year. A little warmer than I care for, but still, the fall colors make up for that. My family attempted to go to pumpkinville - but after traveling for 3 hrs and still not getting there, due to the wine and beer festival in Ellicottville, we turned around and went to the great pumpkin farm in Clarence. It was fun, but again, too warm for me. Here are some pics from our day!

Anth is getting all of his hair cut off today. He said he is tired of blow drying it every morning. I'm tired of fighting with him about it every morning! Well I'm off to enjoy another fall day!

Bailey

2008-10-13T17:30:00.004-04:00

This will be a short one - just to introduce the world to our new puppy, Bailey. He is the cutest thing ever ever ever!! I will post again soon :)

New Beginnings.

2008-08-31T08:30:00.005-04:00

Lots to blog about! Wedding season is officially over! Well sort of, I have one more in PA in August, but I am not sure if I am going. After being in 4 weddings this year and attending countless, somehow I still love weddings, every part of them. I feel completely honored to have been a part of every single one of them. But I'll hang my hat up for now. someone else can take the title of MVB for a bit.

So congrats to the wonderful newlyweds.

Anthony is - dare I say it - is 10. EEEK! He is the best little boy in the entire world and I can't express into words how amazing he truly is. He is going to be in 5th grade this year, and in his words, will be on top of the world. Here is my fav picture from soccer this year.

Let me start this next part by saying, God is good, all of the time. Though we may walk through trials, He is always with us. About a week ago, the impossible happened. When I say impossible, I mean it. I have a lot of faith, as do those around me, but this is a situation that we all sat back and looked at and tried to figure out what to do when it didn't happen. BUT IT DID!!! I will not get into the entire story on a public forum, but it can be categorized as a miracle for sure. It really put so many things that Anthony and I have gone through in perspective. Our struggles, our heartache and now our triumph. I truly believe that we have a God of perfect order and when things "fall" into place, it is perfectly orchestrated. For the first time in a REALLY REALLY long time, I feel like I can breathe. Like the world is not all falling down on me. For those of you that have walked this road with me, my thanks cannot even touch the level of support that you have given me. You are my angels. This is a new beginning that we are so blessed with. I am so excited to see where it takes us!

I am ready to live...

Peacocks... Wedding Crashers

2008-07-26T08:10:00.011-04:00

Last weekend we had our annual Peacock reunion. I look forward to this every year. I have so many cousins, sometimes it is hard to keep them straight. Thanks to facebook and myspace, we have done a MUCH better job! I have a lot of pictures. But for now... this is what you get.

Angi

Sarah and Renee

Benny boo boo

And again

Gram dominating in her "age group"

sweet victory

PS... Every year we have a watermelon eating contest. It is the BEST ever. This year I won. That's right folks, I am 5 dollars richer than I used to be. Try to contain your jealousy.

OK On to, what could be called, one of the best nights of my life.

My cousins sister in law got married a few weeks ago and the wedding was at a banquet facility where there was 3 different rooms. BEFORE YOU PROCEED - There is nothing classy about this next portion of my blog. In fact, such little class was used that I should not even have been wearing a dress. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

The wedding wasn't our style. The music was 70s rock and I, unfortunately, cannot dance to that. That said... Myself, my brother, my friend Andrea, my cousin Alisha (who was in the wedding), and my cousin Justin (also in the wedding). went next door to the wedding that was playing, what sounded like, the best music in the ever, EVER. So we stroll in (mind you, Alisha and Justin are wearing a dress and tux from a different wedding. For some reason we thought we would "blend in". SIDE NOTE: This is not the first time I have crashed a wedding. I am really good at it. In fact, when wedding crashers came out, I was convinced they stole MY idea.

So, the dancing begins... OH did I forget to mention that 90% of the wedding was African American? But we still tried to "blend in". This wedding was so much fun. We danced with the wedding party all night long and they were sooooo gracious! They thought it was FANTASTIC that we crashed their wedding! They played the best music and we danced for hours. The best workout I have had in years! It was as if we were all best friends! At one point, some of us and some of the wedding party that we crashed, all decided to go crash the third wedding to see how it was. But after 5 minutes, we went back to their wedding because it was WAY more fun.

So there you have ~ frown upon it if you will. It wont have made it any less fun!

Our sweet dance faces :)

The original wedding...

The third wedding

THE BEST WEDDING!

No one can surprise Kelly!

2008-07-05T09:43:00.005-04:00

Or can they? Over the past week I have really had the chance to reflect on my life and who I have become. I owe a GIGANTIC portion of who I am to my family and friends. Every person in my life has shaped me and built me up in one way or another. Anthony was at camp all week and a part of me was missing. It was so different to not be responsible for someone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. With the exception of Tuesday, every day I found other people kids to hang out with. I needed to be a mom!! It is my favorite thing about my life. The one thing I KNOW i am super good at. Well, my friends tried to get me to go do things and I was just not into it. My sisters bday party was at on the 4th and Anthony was coming home at 6ish that day and I just couldn't even wait. SOMEHOW, which i cant even believe happened, Alison and Carrie and my sister convinced me to go to the VFW for a party which was essentially a high school reunion. It was something Alison needed to do overcome some fears, so I reluctantly decided to be a good friend and go support her. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but I just wanted to get my sisters party and at 5 after 1, Alison was almost ready to go. Not quite, but at least she had one foot out the door...

So eventually, we hopped in the car and were on our way home. I was excited to hang out with my family and see the kids and know that in just a few hours, Anthony was coming home. I walked in the house to my friends and family yelling "Surprise". They threw me a surprise graduation party! I couldn't believe they got me!! I was absolutely clueless! Looking back at the suspicious behavior, I cant believe i didn't know. It was more than I could ask for and I was so overwhelmed. I felt so loved at that moment I couldn't have felt any better... or so I thought. For just a second I started to realize what was happening and then Anthony jumped out from behind my cousin!!! He left camp early to surprise me! I was beyond emotional at that point. Every moment that I missed him came back to my mind and I just couldn't let him go. Every person in the background faded away and I just held my baby in my arms as if he were gone for months.

Many have tried to surprise me and have been unsuccessful, but this time they got me and I couldn't be happier. Thank you to everyone that put it all together, I was so touched!!

Camp days

2008-06-30T18:34:00.002-04:00

Well first an update on my sisser...
She has a lot of "testing" still to do over the next month or so. Leukemia has basically been ruled out. PHEW. After an abnormal blood test, more tests await and we just have to be patient and try not worry too much. If that is even possible. Kristen reads my blogs now, and isn't thrilled that I am posting her medical history, but if you cant share your life with an internet blog, who CAN you share it with? :)

Yesterday, my bubs went to camp for a week. I cannot even tell you how sad I am. My life is so empty without him :(:(:( He has only been gone for 24 hours and I feel like it has been days! I am so ready for him to come home. Things are just brighter when he is around. My brother is his counselor and I'm sure Anthony is having the time of his life. I cannot wait until he gets home. 4 more days...

That is all for now folks.

sometimes, things fall down

2008-06-18T17:01:00.001-04:00

To say that things could be better would not even be touching the surface of how my heart feels right now. I am so broken. I dont want to get into all sorts of details on a public forum, but my family is in need of prayer. My sister is my best friend in the entire world. Noone knows me better, loves me more or teaches me how to carry on more than her. She is my rock. I think there are times in everyones life that you take your family for granted. My sister, due to past health problems, is awaiting her test results for Leukemia. She has and enlarged spleen and lymph nodes. This is a repeat occurance. I am so angry right now I cant even begin to explain. Yesterday, I was driving home and just crying out to God saying, I cant handle one more thing. This past month has been hard for me to stand. There has been blow after blow that I cant even talk about right now. I cant even get up before I am knocked down again. I feel like I am screaming for help and being dismissed. As I cried yesterday, I just wanted God to hear me and to help. But when I got home, the news about my sister was waiting for me. I immediately called my sister and she was somehow strong for ME. In the midst of her trial, she assured me that everything would be ok. She is truly the strongest person I've ever met.

My point in this blog is ask anyone who reads this to pray for my sister. I HAVE to believe that God has a plan. I HAVE to believe that my sister is going to be ok. I HAVE to believe that God has not abandoned us. I HAVE to believe that my family is going to not only get through these storms we are facing, but that we are going to dance in the rain. I really really really want to just lay down and not get up anymore - But I was not created for defeat. I have not made it this far to give up. My sister has an amazing future and I believe that God will see her through this.
AHHHH I'm done.

I just gotta dance dance dance

2008-06-17T08:41:00.007-04:00

"Dancing is like dreaming with your feet!"

Ahhhh, the art of dancing. Music moves me. That paired with dancing breaks me. I went to my niece's recitals this weekend and was blown away by the music in them. At Brianna's recital I was near tears on many occasions. It was a 4 hour recital, but i could have sat there and watched for another 4 hours. These dancers had the passion behind their dance. Brianna has ALWAYS been a star, but now she has a dream and the technique to fulfill it. This was Victoria's first year dancing. I had to miss her to go to Sydney's, but the video make me laugh so hard. She is so goofy and I love her!

Ms. Brianna Rose an Ms. Victoria Jeanette

After that recital I was off to Sydney Brooke’s. Sydney gets so excited when she dances that her feet move faster than her brain. When Syd dances, you know she is having fun. No pressure – just having a fantastic time. Sydney sparkles and loves when other people watch her sparkle.

Me and Sydney switched shoes after her recital.

My beautiful sisser and Ms. Tishy

After the recitals were all said and done, Anthony realized how much he missed dancing and *brace yourself folks* will be returning to dance next year. For any of you that have seen Anthony dance, can understand my excitement. This boy is amazing. I was devastated when he wanted to quit dance, because he is so good. But don’t worry – he is back. Not only does he want to take hip hop, but tap is an offer on the table as well. This year will be busy – have I mentioned that Anthony is also doing a sports clinic for 6 weeks, tennis, soccer and drums? Welcome to my life, and I love every minute of it.

Until next time.

I love summer!

2008-06-13T08:30:00.001-04:00

Nothing is better than sitting in the sun. I could do it all day, every day. I cant help it, I'm addicted to it. I may just be able to do it with some free time on my hands. What a busy couple of months it has been. After all of these weddings, I am weddinged out!

I'm wedding free until July. That's right. I get one month off :)

This past Sunday Alisha, Justin Kristen, Anthony and me went to a benefit for one of Alisha and Justins friends. I've had the opprtunity to meet Natalie and she is an amazing woman. I don't know all of the details but she had an accident and was left crippled with no usage of her legs and very minimal use of her arms. When I met her I thought her whole demeanor was one of hope. She is truly amazing. You can't hep but love her. Since the time I have met her, she has regained the use of her arms and even some mobility in her legs! That in it of itself is a miracle. The benefit was great. We ate good food, won fantastic prizes and we did it all for a good cause. Wedding crashing is out, benefits is where it's at!

On a sad note... my cousin Justin's mom, Nina, who has been cancer free for 13 years, just found out the cancer is back. She will start chemo very soon at Roswell. Please keep them all in your prayers. It is so hard to understand how stuff like this happens. This woman has been through hell and still puts a smile on her face and praises the name of Jesus, no matter what is on her plate. She is the sweetest.

And on a happy note... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIANNA ROSE ALESSANDRA!!! She is 11 today and she is more beautiful with every passing day. LOVE YOU ROSEY!!

2008-06-08T08:55:00.000-04:00

News Flash: Kristy Lin Ludwick is now officially going by Kristy Lin Cooper. It is crazy to think Kristy is married!!! Kristy has always been my "single" friend and we would laugh about it together. At one point we even wrote songs about us being single. But now she is a wifey. I have been friends with Kristy for as long as I can remember. We were youth leaders together for 2 years and she became one of my dearest friends. She has been an inspiration to me. Her faith is unwaivering. Our schedules are always packed and we don't always get together as often as we would like, but that never affected our friendship. I was honored when she asked me to be a part of her wedding. I have walked through this journey with Kristy and I and got to see her fall in love and get everything she prayed for. It was awesome. Her day was everything she dreamed of. I love Matthew and think he is perfect for her. Here are some pictures. CONGRATS MATT AND KRISTY!!!!!

This is the bride after we found the veil... 10 minutes after the wedding was supposed to start. But she was still a very calm bride!

Their Vows!

Kristy and Abigail

Julia giving a speech about how much she loves them and how glad she is that they are getting married. It was adorable.

Some of the maids :)

Where has the time gone

2008-06-04T09:03:00.000-04:00

Since I last wrote, things have been CRAZY! It is June and by the end of this week I will have been to 4 weddings, 3 of which I have been in. Between showers, bachelorettes, rehearsal dinners, traveling, and weddings… I am exhausted and broke!! I have 4 more this year and I am still going strong. I have to say, that each of the weddings have been very different and I am truly honored to be a part of all of them!

Derek and Kristen McGee
My sister’s wedding was first and obviously the closest to my heart. She is my sisssssser, and my only one. She met a wonderful man and fell in love instantly. I am extremely protective of my siblings and Kristen had not brought a guy home that I could get along with. They simply were not good enough for her or my niece. But Derek was. He was everything she had hoped and prayed for. We welcomed him with open arms! My sister was a fantastic bride. She planned most of her wedding on her own and knew exactly what she wanted. I don’t think the day could have gone any better. She was stunning. The moment that the doors opened and I saw my daddy standing next to her was so surreal. It was out of a fairytale. My sister was beaming and my daddy had the look of a proud papa that never wanted to let his baby go. It took everything in him not to lose it. We danced the night away at her reception with family and friends and I never wanted the night to end. This was a moment my sister deserved and had waited for. I love my sisser more than words could express and being her maid of honor was one of the most amazing things I have experienced!!

After her wedding was over, she sent me, Anthony and Sydney to Florida where we met up with one of my best friends in the world. It was a great time and I was thrilled to go.

Now onto Anthony and HeatherD’Imperio

I have been friends with Heather for about 7 years now. We lived together in Rochester when I went to Roberts for a hot minute. That’s right, I said hot minute. Since then Heather has become one of my closest friends. I go visit her as often as I can and secretly wish I never left. She puts her whole heart into everything she does. When she met Tony, things were perfect. He was the other half to her and they both realized it quickly!

On Heathers big day, part of her bridal party (whose names will go unmentioned) got the church 25 minutes before the ceremony was to start – with no makeup on and dresses in hand. Thankfully, Heather was calm as could be about it. In case you haven’t figured out who the guilty party is… it was Becca. She was the late one… and maybe it was partially me. But we did everything in our power to get there on time. We ran red lights passed on double lines. It was simply out of our control. We still made it in enough time to kiss heathers face, get dressed, apply makeup and get down the aisle. Heather’s ceremony was out of a movie. The way she looked at Tony as she walked toward him brought me to tears. It was beautiful. My favorite twins ever sang A page has turned by Bebo Norman and it couldn’t have been a better fit! It was beautiful and, again, I cried throughout the entire thing. I do love hearing those Freer girls sing.

At the reception we ate fantastic Italian food and danced (well at least I did!) until I was sweating – quite grossly I might add. As I was about to leave, I locked my keys in my trunk and had to wait for AAA to get there so I got a few more minutes with everybody. I loved being part of Heather’s day. I’ve had the privilege of walking through her journey with her and I am honored. I loved getting some extra time with Becca. She always makes me smile and I love our inside jokes that no one thinks is funny except for us. It was awesome to see Rachel and laugh with her. She is an amazing photographer, plus her kid is really cute. All in all, it was a fantastic day.

Next up: Kristy and Matthew Cooper…

2007-12-18T08:32:00.000-05:00

This weekend was one of the most relaxing weekends I've had in quite a long time! I worked until like 830 on Friday and then I had a very nice lil dinner date. After that, coffee and good conversation.

On Saturday morning I got up and packed for Becca's. I got there around 1 pm and we headed straight for the mall. The mall was absolutely insane!! More so than usual. I found alot of good deals and I am a very happy camper. After that we went back to Becca's for a little bit and then off to church. Church was really good. I love The Fathers House. If it was 15 minutes closer, I would go every week. Too bad they moved there new church right across the street instead of closer to me!

After we left church we went to go see Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was so cute and Anthony loved it! He has been quoting it ever since! The weather was starting to get really bad and it was late so back to the Johnson Crib we went to eat like champs. That took place for my entire visit. Food, Food and more food. It was perfect!!! When we woke up on Sunday the weather was really bad and by mid afternoon I decided to stay another night so I didn't get stuck in the storm. Becca, Denis, Daisy, Anthony and I literally laid around the house, ate garbage, watched TV and just laughed all day. It was wonderful. After an PG-13 game of scattegories I went to bed. Heather got in that night, ya know on her private jet, so I wanted to see her before I left. We all went to TH and then I was off to the B-lo. My weekend of relaxation had ended... Maybe I'll get one of those next year.

I had a wonderful time and my love for Becca has only increased - even though she told me I was stupid and fat alot - I still really love her. She is super pretty and looks good in MOST colors. I had the chance to catch up with her and she simply amazing me more and more every time I talked to her. much love playa, much love.

Bloggggers

2007-12-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

I am not good at this whole blogging deal. It has never been easy for me to write out my thoughts, usually because it comes out of my mouth faster than I can write it. Something I should probably work on. Anyway, I am not sure where to even start this. I'm at a point in my life where I am simply not satisfied with "doing as I'm told". Please note: The next portion of this may offend others. My entire life I have been raised a christian home and I have been very blessed to have that foundation that I can pass on to Anthony. Well, growing up in the church, I have always had "rules" that I never understood. When I was little, "because I said so" were words I heard everyday. Now as a mother, I find myself adding that phrase into my vocab. There was nothing more frustrating than hearing those words, because they never further explained anything. I try to catch myself when I say those words and explain the reasoning behind things. For example, whenI tell Anthony that he cannot watch a certain movie, it is my responsibility to explain to him WHY he cannot watch that movie. If I do not, he will assume there is this one movie he cannot watch. If I can explain, this movie is very scary and could give you nightmares and I am not allowing you to watch it, he is more likely to associate other movies with it and comprehend that he should not watch those types of movies.

I feel like, as a christian, I have conformed to a "because I said so" lifestyle. Never truly understanding why i should do certain things and should not do other things. I believe in God with everything that is within me. There is no part of me that questions His existence. I do, however, question decisions I have made because I was told to. I am trying to re-write that portion of my christian walk. People are not looking kindly upon this and believe that I have a rebellious spirit. well, maybe i do. maybe i want to question things so i comprehend. I am by no means a fantastic christian. But my relationship with God is better than it has ever been, because I dont feel like I am trusting someone else to tell me what God has for me.

Usually I go to church every week because it is important to raise Anthony with a foundation in God that has sustained me over the years. Generally speaking, i hate church. I dont like the fake smiles and the spiritual talk. When I am angry or sad I say how I am feeling and I am honest with myself. I do not use a filter because, to me, it is a lie. I can't pretend that a holy vocabulary is normal to me. It isn't and dont do it. It just isnt me. It is said that through the mouth the heart speaks. While I agree with that - it is the content in which we speak - not the words chosen to articulate the content. Aaaand Im done talking about that.

I am going to Rochester on Saturday to do some christmas shopping and plan some of Heathers shower with Becca. Heather is in Florida (I'm so jealous) and will not be there so it is just me and that Rebecca Lynn. Hilarity ensues. Per Becca, I WILL have pictures to show for it. I may also make a list of everything we eat so that people arent surprised when i come home the next day weing 5 lb more. Im hoping she sings me to sleep.

I abruptly end blogs... like this.